An Open Letter to That Guy Who Was Recently at my House Playing Games

Dear Guy Who Was Recently at my House Playing Games,

Sir, you are hilarious. I don't know you. You are my younger brother's friend's little sister's husband's brother. But I do know that when you write down "the dreaded clap" as an answer for Things You Shouldn't Pick Up, you are a funny person. Another reason I find you hilarious? You wrote down "wombats" as Things You Wouldn't Want to Find In Your Bed. Wombats? Really? Where did that come from?

Also, you have a beard, and beards are hilarious.

And I agree, bitch-slapping the Pope probably would be one of those Things That Would Keep You Out of Heaven.

Thank you for spending the evening with us. Please come again.

Cordially,
Kirsta Silvey

An Open Letter to the Coupon Tuesday Checkout Lady at Walmart

Dear Coupon Tuesday Checkout Lady,

I know that math can be hard. Good Sweet Mike, math can be hard. I'm a 27-year-old college graduate and there are aspects of basic geometry that still baffle me.

But please, for the sanity of all of us who are patiently waiting to get an extra 50 cents off of our Mountain High Fat Free Vanilla Yoghurt, let me help you out on this one: $2.95 minus $0.50 is $2.45. Every time. Please don't pull out your calculator to check this again. Think back to what you learned in 3rd grade and try figuring this one out in your head. In fact, why don't you give the next one a go as well. I'll give you a hint: $1.95 minus $0.50 is $1.45.

I guess that wasn't so much a hint so much as it was the answer.

No, no, you don't have to double check that with the calc...

Thank you for your time.

Cordially,
Kirsta Silvey